JOURNAL ENTRIES

both old and recent

12/10/2022

Ten years anniversary is coming. I've listened to his videos so many times.
I agree with most of his opinions. I've already been an antinatalist/efilist before the discovery of the channel
And I agree with most of it, when he talks about the nonsense of acheiving things in life
yet I'm still obsessed with accomplishing as much as I can. I cried so much talking to my therapist about my
low intelligence. All my life I thought I am decently intelligent, am I? It's hard to tell.
Of course I've been thinking more on the nature of life than your average person
but it's hard to differ intelligence and knowledge, and which one of them is actually more valuable
of course I should see that all of it is worthless, but I am culturally conditionned to admire intelligent and cultured people.
I just realised I'm not smart at all, I have no profound knowledge on anything besides the fact that
I know many true crime cases which is not an accomplishment since I'm just addicted to listening to podcasts.
I lost my teenage years, I'm trying to make up for it now, to be honest I'm just untalented for art
which is my main passion and hopefully future job. Of course all of this valuing skills and knowledge
is nonsense, but how else am I supposed to function?
I actually changed my mind since my last post which was last year, I can agree to having sex because
I just want this loneliness to end and because of that
I left antisex ideology, since now I'd say it's okay to have sex with multiple contraceptives
but still I don't know if there will be anyone like him on this planet

11/3/2021

If you saw me dressed like I dress on an everyday basis, you probably would think that
I'm a dumb extravertic girl who cares only about her appearance...
Meanwhile I'm a depressed introvert, I'm like you see me on this site.
If sexual attraction didn't exist the world would be a much better place.
I'm not sure about romantic attraction but for me it would definitely be better if I liberated
myself from the desire to find love. I only suffer thinking about my dream guy,
looking at other couples I ask myself why can't be normal and have it? I've seen multiple
"perfect" relationships ending, I see all the shit that comes with it but
I still can't help my desire to be loved... and this is so fucking hard, multiple guys wanted to
date me but I just fucking can't date someone I'm not attracted to...
I already did it, no thanks. Then when I am attracted to someone they don't like me because
I have too much makeup or whatever. And the antisex thing which makes it all 1000 times worse.
And no I can't lower my standards or agree to having sex and I'm aware that my expectations are too big
but I still want to complain about my loneliness because it's my fucking diary.

10/14/2021

I was always aware that my time in here is limited and I've always hated time.
But recently I became obsessed with thinking about the fact that I'm getting older.
My 21st birthday is coming. I've always tried my best to not waste my time -
I was doing my shitty drawings, went to art classes, went to gym, trained for nationals,
read books, studied art history but I still think that I could do so much more.
Think of these artists and musicians who are younger than me and world famous.
Or people who are educated af on philosophy and economics at age 18 or so.
I didnt even have enough mental energy to focus on my philosophy classes because I was
so exhausted from the never ending work on university. And did I even do much progress?
I'm still one of the students with the worst drawing skills. The fact that we humans are aging is another reason
to stop fucking bringing new human beings to existence. I'm 20, almost 21 and I'm too scared to search
for a job, too weak to live independently, too exhausted to care about scheduling my doctor appointments
so I rely completely on my parents. And you're telling me that some people have multiple kids
and are married at my age... I feel like I'm a teenager and not an adult. I don't want to get older.
Why tf the only way to be young forever is to kill yourself...
I relate to Andrew so much.

4/25/2021 (partially lost due to loss of an ig account)

„being made a human
without the possibility of BEING human
the cruellest of all punishments”
Had to get in all that madness, why do I always have to be like this? ...
Most people will never understand how it is to be hated by everyone, people are so disgusting,
asexuals are hated even by LGBTQ+ community ...

3/20/2021 (partially lost)

I could just kill myself in a few years – I wouldn't have to witness the animal holocaust
and the ecological disaster and I would be known as the mentally ill artist who killed herself,
sounds perfect. But I would have to give up the most valuable thing – my consciousness.
Suicide might seem to be the answer, but what is the answer to suicide? People always are always
too late, loving the unreachable AAA

2/27/2021

I remember when I still had faith, I actually used to believe in God but now I don’t believe
in anything, there is no way that this fucked up world was created by some higher power
and if it was, this power is a sadistic creature. Since young age I couldn’t accept that you
don’t have answer to some things. For example when I was maybe 9 yo I learned about
the singer Aaliyah who passed away at young age in a plane crash years ago, I was crying so much,
I was devastated. Then I remember when I started digging into the story of Laika the dog,
done a deep research and read the comic book about her, it broke my heart. I couldn’t
pull myself together for weeks, I was a 12 years old girl. The feeling that it’s gone,
it was years ago, you can’t get back, you cannot turn back time. What could be the answer for that?
And that is just 0,0001 percent of cruelty and evil which is happening every day.
Back then I used to think that maybe I’m a reincarnation of Laika the dog, I mean I didn’t think
like that for real, it was just a pleasant possibility. I don’t believe in any
paranormal / spiritual things (unfortunately) but I really would like to think that she was my destiny,
the sign that I will sacrifice my life for the animals. Recently I learned about
all the cruelty that is happening in meat, dairy, egg and other industries that exploit animals,
I have hurt so many animals myself by eating them and their secretions, and I was not only
just eating meat but also had a kinda anti-vegan attitude, there are no words with which
can decribe how ashamed I am.
I don’t want to listen to people saying „well it’s the way it is” …
Yeah so if it’s the way it is guess what? Stop fucking putting children on this land of misery,
if your child is happy than good for them, but remember that your child could always have
disease as painful as epidermolysis bullosa or constant fatigue syndrome and that would be
100% your fault for bringing this child to life. I think that trying to ignore that darkness
would only have opposite effect. I’m digging into the most horrific crimes
that happened on this planet and I won’t stop. I will talk about them.
Especially the most horrific violence on this planet which is animal exploitation.
But to stay quite normal I guess I will try to have pleasure from small things
and make as much good as I can, and I really hope to control my rage,
because I’m really, really pissed off

7/28/2018

My views have evolved and they don't fit into generally acknowledges categories. ...
All the authorities have fallen. All the politicians, bloggers and youtubers I liked.
All of them were brought into disrepute or started pissing me off. The feeling of alienation is even
worse because of my situation with my friends – when my friendship with *** ended,
I felt like I lost the only true friend of my life. Now, like in case of every failed relation
I see mostly the flaws of this friendship, the disagreements and the differences. ...

I didn't even realise for how long I've been functioning with NO person with whom
I would feel the connection of our souls. The closer to this would be my mum,
but I know that you better not bring up some topics with her.

Sometimes I get lost in the world surrounding me. I became brutally honest with myself.
I see, that I'd like to be a member of some group and have a person to follow …
One of the things that piss me off the most is the fact, that I if I had other views
and more extravertic personality, I could be one of the „cool” ones. The understood.
The admired. But I don't have the courage to express my vievs even anonymously.

12/31/2016

2016 summary:
Cons:
end of friendship with ***
I'm only friends with 2 people now
I became very shy, I started being depressed
I didn't have energy for self-development, I read less books
I became obsessed with some things what makes my life more difficult
and I lost respect for the world and humanity
Pros:
I graduated from middle school with very good results
I improved my makeup skills
I became interested in exercising and diet
I got 100 followers on insta
I met J.
I did the most beautiful drawing I ever did

june 2013

I'm crying :( Kudryavka I'm with you my baby dog :( It's so hard to come to terms with that,
but we can't turn back time. This little dog died so other animals don't have to die.
It's so hard to not cry about Laika... I try to explain it to myself saying that everyday
millions of innocent beings die. No more crying. Kudryavka is now in heaven. She has a monument,
comic book and fans. God wanted her to draw people's attention to animal suffering.

some time later in 2013

Lol. How boring is my life. I need to get used to loneliness and simply don't care about others.
I need to fix my life. What did I do wrong? It was like that: I used to be so dumb,
thousands of situations that shouldn't have happened... Yeah, I have such flaw: bad tendencies,
beight naughty... Was I ever a well-behaved girl? I'm an uncivilised weirdo. I lack class
and boys like girls with class... I'm dirty, you know? My soul is dirty. Another flaw of mine
is being cheerless and shy... Oh why am I even writing this. Is it really how others see me?
Dirty, evil, naughty, boring and sad? I don't know. Probably it's better to not care,
I can't change that. “Don’t worry over what other people are thinking about you.
They’re too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.”

1/7/2013

Today nothing interesting happened... It's 3 weeks until the winter holidays...
When I only think about the school I'm pissed off. Will I ever get used to it? Now this
fucking bitch wants to make this concert again, I have to somehow get out of this. In school
I feel like everyone hates me. Everything pisses me off. I feel terrible. It's so damn cold
in there. Annoyingly, I keep running into the principal. When I hear her voice I got chills.
I HATE THAT!!!!
Maybe now everything will go back to normal? I hope so... ❤
TO SUM UP: I don't like going to school. It's cold in there. When I run into the principal
in the corridors it reminds me of that whole disaster from 2 years ago and I feel terrible.
In school I feel like a... nasty, dirty, naughty girl...
That's exactly how others see me.

1/3/2013

Hey my dear diary. I'm exhausted today.
The principal pissed me off, she has a problem with my painted nails.
Oh, fuck her. I can't wait to finish this school. My life is one big failure.
Other people are not like me. Only my life is full on shame.
I'm dumb and that's why I regret things later.
…
I'm going to brush my teeth and go to sleep. I feel better (at least a bit).
Drinking coke always helps. I need to survive tommorow somehow and then finally the weekendddd ❤
Two days... away from all the problems and I will get enough sleep.

circa 2007 ...

There are sad things happening all the time. Earth is the planet of life but it isn't necessary a good thing.
Our problems are small compared to the Universe, but they are sad for us.